Just being us

Death anxiety

On Monday the 18th of February my dear friend aged 41 past away, after a short battle with Breast cancer.
She fought till the end a very loving women leaving behind two boys, she had a heart of gold.
She’d help you out, be there on the end of the phone just for some friendly advice or just be there to listen.

Iv always had a death anxiety, fear of the unknown, so many questions but who do you ask them too ?

I know a friend of mine used to call me morbid, but it’s just the way I’m programmed, if you were hit buy a car tomorrow that would be the end or would it ?

Is there life after death ? Is there a heaven ? I think we like to think that there is a resting place where we can go where there is no pain, but just us and our lost loved ones doing the things we love best.

I don’t believe in any religion, I don’t believe if you live your life a certain way, you will not be punished, surely your already punished, your leaving loved ones who hopefully will miss you, surely this is punishment.

What is this fear ? Why do I have it ? Why do I seem morbid, I mean just because I’m walking up to a road and a car is speeding on it doesn’t mean I’m going to die. My mind does work like this though, I over think everything. What could happen,what would happen if? would people be sad ? Would it hurt ? Would my child grow up happy.

Would it hurt is a big one for me, how do we know, we don’t we won’t ever know, Until the time comes of-course but then you can tell anyway because your no longer here.

I have a great fear that if I did die, where would my son go, his biological father isn’t a good parent, he wouldn’t grow up having a fair chance in life. He would probably be very miserable, then would be remember me, would his father actively talk about me. Will there be pictures, will he remember ?

The possibilities are endless but for today
I am here I am alive and I’m living .

Tremendous break downs

Today I sat and cried for hours during the day. If I could explain to you what living with someone who has adhd and many other neurological issues, I’d say ITS THE TASMANIAN DEVIL WHIRLWIND 24/7.

From the moment I wake up its go go go. Just like he is, for ever trying to occupy him, finding something new to do that may keep him Interested.

I know people say its not adhd it’s naughty behaviour, they need more discipline, and maybe a firmer hand, but for parents/ careers who experience, true adhd you’ll know that none of this works. There is no reasoning with a child, who is set in his mind that he should have something or he is right.

My son particularly lashes out, and screams, most of the time he has got I to this state because of such a minor issue. For example today my son wants to go in my husband shed, he thinks its the coolest place around and it is one of the places he can go to be him. Of course for safety reason we have rules, which means Owen can’t go in the shed without rob, so when he asked me if he could go, I said he couldn’t because rob isn’t here but when he came back we can ask and see what rob says.

This is the start of a 2 hour breakdown ” I want to go in the shed” “I can do it on my own ” ” I want it ” ” I want to go now”" let me go now”

He is screaming at me constantly, working himself up, I put him in his room for time out. He screams I don’t want to be in here ” I hate this room ” within seconds I expect something to come crashing down usually his toys, which is exactly what happens in seconds. I go back in to ask him to calm down, offer him a cuddle even but no the toys keep on coming.

He threw a padlock at me when I wasn’t looking and also a screw driver from the kitchen draw, he is lashing out, I get angry, but I walk away I think this isn’t him and when he learns to control himself, ill see how lovely he can be.

He knows he has to stay in his room till he calms down, but today for an unknown reason he isn’t giving up, so I go in scoop him up and ask for a cuddle. This instantly calms him, but he is still angered and any little trigger for the rest of the day is impacted and this behaviour is continued throughout the day .

On the same day at bed time we have a strong bed time routine, it’s very clear for him bath, bed, book and sleep, so I’m reading Beatrix potter ” the tale of the naughty little rabbit” at the end of the book it says ” peters feeling very sorry for himself, do you feel sorry for him too ?” Owen always answered this question and today he changed his answer and said yes I do feel sorry for him. When I asked why he said, I think he wanted to listen to his mum, but he didn’t because he wanted to go and see what was in mr mcgregors garden. So we carried on our chat and I’m incorporating his behaviour today with the book, he pinky promises me that he would try and be better behaved tomorrow, I feel sorry for him as I can understand how he feels and his frustration. I kiss him goodnight and he sleeps.

Every day he behaves like this, he even questions why he is the way he is? He is only 4 and he knows it isn’t right but for some reason morning, noon and night he is the same, he cannot change, he cannot sit still even for a minute, he cannot stop,

I tidy my little flat several times a day as Owens whirlwind effect, he is everywhere, every draw, every height all day long, even in the draws where there isn’t anything of interest to him, but that’s him funny, bright, inquisitive, challenging and a whirl wind

My little quotes

My little boy is a young boy with old shoulders, he really makes me laugh. I’m going to share some of his quotes, sayings and mini conversations and you cant say that moments with you.

” get out of here you noisy little pervert or I’m going to slap you silly “
- This comes from the film home alone which is one of Owens favourite films. He repeats this several times a day.

We’re in our locals icelands, and we are in the queue, there’s a lady with a mobility scooter next to us, he turns and asks the lady ” why do you need a bike for ?” He probably repeats this three times and she doesn’t respond. I interrupted him with maybe she isn’t feeling well today and just needs a little help with her shopping Owens reply “
Maybe mum she has just eaten all the chocolate bars in the world and now she is stuck in her chair ” the lady is on the large side and he is probably right , but I dismiss him with I don’t think so, trying to distract him from the lady but he quickly turns and says every mothers worst nightmare ” your fat lady and you’ve eaten all the chocolate in the world ” I apologise and curl my head with shame and embarrassment as other shoppers laughed at Owens comment. I find it extremely rude but Owens good at pointing out the obvious, not so good at holding his tongue .

We’re walking back to our car, as we’ve been out today and a lady is telling her son off, as we walk by Owen shouts ” do as your told fella or you’ll be sent to the naughty step “

My son just asked why iv turned the bedroom light of, as I explain to save electric and if you open the blinds you’ll get natural light from the sun . He then asks does the sun make the light bulbs for the shops to sell ?

Big boy school

Owen began school in September, he had lots of transition meetings to get him used to the big change that was coming.
The day arrives and it’s such a big deal, he dresses smartly, he wants his hair spiked. We bounce out the door at 8 o’clock in his sparkly new shoes and talk about big boy school and what he is going to do there today.

Owen had a great couple of weeks settling in, he was happy, I was happy and so were the school. We thought maybe this was what he needed something more challenging and he seem to be getting on great.

On the following Monday Owen was going to stay all day and have his lunch, we were optimistic about it because Owen doesn’t really like change but we were hopefully.
Monday came and he still had the excitement of the first day wanting to get out the door early, still having his hair done, I dropped him off like normal and wonder to myself what I’d be doing with my whole 6 hours to myself.

I went to do some shopping at our local supermarket, maybe have a coffee meet a friend, the opportunities were endless. Freedom at last, I’d given up my job some months before to try and get everything settled, so maybe I could go back to work.

It’s 11:15 and I receive a phone call, it was the head teacher. I needed to go in collect Owen because there had been an incident. I rushed to the school which was 5 minutes drive, I run into reception and wait. The head teacher calls me in to the office, sits me down and proceeds to talk, Owen had been disruptive, he had angered so much we have had to restrain him, from hurting himself and others. Of course I was flabbergasted restrained, my little boy aged 4 restrained.

They made out this big story of how much of a monster he was, it was horrible. The head teacher brings him in to the office and I say to him whats been happening Owen… He calmly replied nothing much mummy ” I just wanted to eat my lunch”
His answers are witty, Intelligent even he’s like a little old man with some of the things he says.
Owen was excluded for his behaviour/ outburst I’d challenged the school and said they had made it worse by restraining him, but they dismiss me and we accept the rules and left.

Owens returning on a staggered intake meaning he will attend school for an hour a day, this will only increase when Owen behaves and comply a with school rules.

Of course this is a downward spiral, he has been labelled, labelled by the school, the teachers, the young children. This isn’t a great impact on Owen as he now plays to the way they all think of him.

Everything carried on downhill from here I took him, even in an hour he would get up to mischief.
I bring To there attention, he needs to be more challenged, he is a young head on old shoulders after all.

He knows things that 10 years don’t and seems to be extremely intelligent in places and lacking in some areas.
Giving Owen something well above his ability, gives him a challenge.

Eventually he was expelled within 8 weeks of starting school ….
Exclusions concedes of : not being able to follow school rules, not complying with adults, lack of authority

3 years and counting

It’s hard to imagine what life is like on fast forward but here goes. Owens 3 years old and starting out at pre school, best invention ever I say as he out runs me every day.

It starts well and he settles so good, he has friends and plays nicely, he has a little attachment issue at first but nothing that won’t settle apparently.

I get my first call into the office at just 4 weeks in, as I wandered down to the preschool a mere 8 minute walk, I feel like iv been told off and sent to the head teachers office. As I sit waiting for the manager of the preschool and Owens worker I look around its drab, no pictures on the wall but strangely enough can hear the laughter of many children playing.

So the manager is sitting here in front of me I’m listening but I’m not really listening, I’m can hear key words disruptive, won’t share, won’t listen, will not sit for story time. We’ve devised an IEP they tell me it means he has targets every week that they will try help him meet.

So were walking back to preschool on the Monday morning and iv had a good chat with Owen about behaviour and listening to others and being friendly, I’m hoping it works for his sake.

Less than two weeks later another phone call, can you collect Owen as soon as possible, we will discuss what has happened when you get here.
I rush down straight into the office, it’s still drab, it’s still dark, still no pictures
She sits again tell mrs everything she basically did last time, and said the IEP isn’t working.
We’re calling in a inclusion co ordinator to help Owen she continues he hasn’t got any friends and none of the children want to be near him. She follows this with is everything alright at home ?
YES yes it is thank you. She demands I take Owen home and speak to him about his behaviour.

A few weeks pass and I meet with a lady called Sarah, the inclusion coordinator lovely lady she was, she could see Owens potential and also see he was struggling. She worked with him at home and at school, nothin seem to be working and Owen seemed to be getting worse.

Christmas was fast approaching and he was doing ok, he had help at preschool and now had a 1:1 he started bringing home Christmas things he had made a card for mummy a christingle, a tree decoration. He had also started rehearsing for the school Christmas play, he was a Shepard. We sat at home and practised his lines and songs and made his shepards outfit. It was so exciting his first Christmas play.

The day before the play I had gone to pick him up at the usually time of 2.30 when I got there the manager asked if she could have a word with me, ofcourse I agreed, I thought she was going to take me to the office but instead in front of the other parents who were also collecting there children, she said unfortunately we have decided that Owen cannot be apart of the school play.
He is too disruptive and cannot sit still like the other children can for the amount of time required. I interrupted her with well iv brought my ticket so ill bring him so he can watch it with me, she rudely said NO he can’t we don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be here at all. I was distraught I grabbed his hand and left, I cried all the way home I was in shock to what I was hearing, playing in my mind over and over NO ITS NOT A GOOD IDEA, I got home and called my aunty, she’s a child minder and she got great knowledge of preschools and children, I had questions, was this aloud, isn’t it discrimination ?
I then decided too much had happened at the school and we had to find a new one, a fresh start for my boy, no labels, no judgements.

We found a new preschool close by they were lovely and understanding, ofcourse they had to know About Owen but Jane ( the manager ) reassured me she wouldn’t tell the staff about Owen and let them make there own judgements of him, finally a fresh start.
Things were great for Owen he settled well, a few hiccups here and there but nothing major, he spent a few months there soon it would be time for him to start proper school, he had a few transition meetings to get him used to his new big boy school and they all seemed to go well

Finally things were looking up

The early days

Imagine your six weeks old, your eyes are big and bright, they move quickly and pay attention to every surrounding. You want know the world, how it works and what life is about. You don’t sleep often just so you don’t miss out on what’s happening today.

As the weeks and months passed, i thought as he was my first child, that what I was seeing was normal. A little boy growing, getting stronger, reaching milestones before the TEXTBOOK time scales.

We continued our life together learning new things as time went on, I learnt how to juggle a baby, milk, keeping him entertained , nappies, housework and a job and he learnt at 8 months how to walk, I’m not sure what happened just one day he decided to get up, holding onto the sofa and walk. That was it no stopping him now. It was fun, exciting new places to explore in our flat, that usually he wouldn’t see.

Growing in confidence, soon come the climbing it was like a game, on the sofa off the sofa on then off but that wasn’t enough. he,d look for the next obstacle and he would take it,no fear of course he would fall but it never seemed to phase him. Up and off he went my boy growing up quickly. Now walking talking and being mr independent wanted to do everything for himself.

Terrible twos, enough to make any mother scream, the attitude, the screams the temper round the shops over a biscuit. Us mums looking like we need a good nights sleep and glass or two of rose. As you might know these times are also great, children are exploring and becoming themselves with personalities and great characters. It was the same for my boy but I felt he needed something more, he was forever looking for the next challenge and seems to be bored with playing, playhouse Disney, trips to the park and finger painting.

These days soon left us, and I quickly realised that something wasn’t quite right my lovely little boy always running around, rushing, bumping into things, and never seemed to sit quiet for longer than a minute. He’d would whizz around the flat, like the Tasmanian devil. I soon realised it was pointless tidying up and I’d just leave it till bedtime, otherwise my day would be filled up with constant tidying up. Bed times were a dream like clockwork 7 o’clock sharp and he’d be gone in minutes, twelve hours rest for me .

This is Owen, my boy who loves the world, and every person he meets, he sees something in people which would usually take adults weeks of building a friendship to see.